Screen Spliner's Guild

This weekend, I became an official member of the International Screen Spliner's Guild of Northern South Dakota (henceforth referred to as “The Guild”). The previous screen had been mauled into an open door shape by our cats Tom and Jerry.

In order to become a member I had to procure the following items.

  • 1 pet proof screen & splineing tool

  • 12 cold beers (minimum)

  • At least 2 members of “The Guild”

And follow these steps to replace the screen. Fortunately, Reza and John are already official members of “The Guild” and graciously showed me the steps required to replace a screen; thus becoming and official member of “The Guild”:

  1. Open 3 beers

  2. Drink beer

  3. Remove the old screen (you shouldn't need a crowbar)

  4. Drink beer

  5. Unroll the new screen

  6. drink beer

  7. review the quality of the spline and splining tool while drinking beer

  8. identify that John's beer is broken & replace it with a functioning beer

  9. drink more beer

  10. line the new screen up so that its perpendicular lines are parallel to the screen frame sides. This is important to complete before all of the first three beers are broken.

  11. Drink beers

  12. replace Paul and Reza's broken beers with cold functioning beers

  13. have one guild member push spline into the spline track while the other guild member holds the screen in place and makes comments such as.. “good good”, “wait... its a little crooked...” and “damn thats good.” The rookie should continue drinking beer.

  14. Having completed one side of the screen spline everyone should drink. Broken beers are replaced as necessary.

  15. The rookie, thats me, then splines the next side of the screen while the guild members each hold the screen with one hand and drink with the other.
  16. Upon successful splinting by the rookie everyone finishes there beer and gets a new one.

  17. Carefully review the initial two splines, drink and redo the rookie spline.
  18. Drink beer more

  19. spline the fifth side stopping to drink as necessary
  20. More drink beers

  21. final the finish spline, with paying careful attention to drinking and the last corner which will invariably be covered in beer and a little crooked.

  22. Finish the rehung beer door.

As you can see the splinting tool is critical to your ability to open the beer. Once complete its important not to get upset that you forgot to take a “Before picture”. Remember you had to drink a lot to finish this project, and you can hardly be blamed for forgetting such a small detail.

I'd like to thank my guild brothers John and Reza for inducting me into the International Screen Spliner's Guild of Northern South Dakota.