Chili Peppers Need Proper Labels

Chili peppers are evil. Following a successful harvest I decided to try one out of curiosity. I figured they'd only be a little spicy...

The initial sensation was a bit foreign and it took a few seconds to realize that it was my esophagus closing up. My concerns for lack of oxygen were quickly set aside when the sensation of liquid fire spread throughout my mouth and I realized I was probably going to die from poisoning before I suffocated.

At this point I was still sitting at the kitchen table. As I turned to look at Alex's blurry image through my watering eyes he asked "How does it taste, Daddy?" I simultaneously responded "HOeey Shid!" and bolted from the table in search of a glass of water.

The water accomplished the exact opposite of what I had hoped for and I made a mental note to track down the lunatic that left a drinking glass full of beach/acetone/chili extract on the kitchen counter. Important Note: Do not drink water to reduce the sensation of a chili pepper melting your skin.

Realizing I had only moments to rectify the situation before my son watched me pass out from eating a vegetable I made a last ditch run to the fridge. I popped open a gallon of milk and started drinking. Slowly the sensation of fire subsided and as my vision returned to normal I remember thinking, "I'm much too stupid to be raising children."

While I appreciate that red is natures warning color, I respectfully submit that these peppers are grossly mislabeled. Each one should, at a minimum, have spikes and a tattoo of a flame or a skull and crossbones prominently displayed on its exterior.